… that’s where you’ll find me. Sigh.
“When I am silent I have thunder hidden inside.” — Rumi
These words couldn’t be truer. When I am not posting on my blog then this is usually a good sign that I am feeling overwhelmed with everything that’s going on within me. And I want to thank those of you who have reached out to check how I am doing, that means a lot!
I am ok. My sleep quality is still not great but at least I am sleeping more than three hours a night again. There is just a lot going on with learning a new job and a potential move in a few weeks. I say potential because we are still on the fence about it. Our goal to save as much money as possible stands firm but there are some other things going on in the background that could delay the move. Nothing too bad, just some professional issues outside of our control that we need some answers on. I don’t like this one bit because it just adds another layer of insecurity to our situation and as we all know, I am quite done with feeling unsettled! Alas, it is another wave to ride and I am thankful that my husband and I are such a great team and we have each other’s backs.
My eating is a bit all over the place. Some meals are healthy and mindful but many others not so much. I go for little walks or short bike rides here and there but haven’t been exercising much otherwise and don’t feel motivated to try and fit it into the limited time I currently have. And I really hate admitting this on here. When I shared these feelings with my coach Leslie she asked whether I felt that I needed to present myself a certain way to the weight loss community, i.e. like I had it all together most of the time? She hit the nail on the head with that question. I feel like I have lost the plot and that I have not only let myself down but also my readers. Things were going so well for a few months there and I loved that others felt inspired by my journey. Alas. This is also part of this journey, isn’t it? My current rabbit hole is what I’ve been struggling with most of my adult life as far as my comfort eating is concerned, this is precisely why previous weight loss effort have never succeeded in the long term: give me a bit of stress and I am more than happy to use that as an excuse to throw away the anchor and drift away into the wonderland of sugar, grains and inertia.
So I am taking it just one step at a time. I have not weighed in a couple of weeks and this time I can actually feel it in my body that I have gained some weight. My all-or-nothing mentality just wants to go into complete free fall but this is when I am realising that some of the things I have learned at the beginning of my program are actually sticking around. So when I have binged on sugar or grains I actually listen to my body and give into its request for cleaner and leaner foods. Meaning, I sometimes start my day with a carrot juice and an apple & almond butter and eat nuts & raisins as my snack at work rather than a chocolate bar. Sometimes I have a salad with protein for lunch and tonight I am making the good old stand-by meal of roasted chicken legs and vegetables. If my craving for ice cream is too strong I sometimes put a couple of scoops into a bowl rather than eating the whole tub. And the other day I came home from work feeling very tired and overwhelmed but my body just about whispered that it would like to be moved a bit. So I got my bike out and went a few times around the little park at the end of the road because my fitness isn’t quite so good anymore plus I did not not feel like putting the bike rack on the car and driving to the spot where I did all my big cycling this summer. But hey, rather than just collapsing on the couch I did something, right? Like I said, these are little positive steps here and there and for now that has to be good enough.
So that’s where I’m at. Not great as far as my weight loss program is concerned but not all giving up, either. Right now I am trying to get enough sleep because that stretch of insomnia freaked me out a bit, it was so debilitating and just sapped me of all my energy and motivation. This week we are hoping to get some answers regarding one of the issues we are dealing with and then we will make our decision regarding our move in a few weeks. In my mind I want to leave our expensive house behind and start saving towards our goal as soon as we can. And to be honest, I also wouldn’t mind living in a smaller and more manageable place now that I am working full-time again. Our current home is beautiful but much bigger than what we need and a lot of work to keep up. A big part of me feels very ready to downsize.
As far as blogging is concerned I try to keep up with all of you as best as I can and I apologise if I haven’t been commenting and as present these last few weeks. I love blogging but it can be so time consuming. And I hate just skimming over everything and it’s not me to leave quick meaningless comments just for the sake of it. I prefer to engage in thoughtful dialogues but what this means is that I remain silent if I don’t have the time or energy to do so. It’s just how I tick and it’s also why writing blog posts is never a quick affair for me. But I want to keep showing up on here and anticipate a more regular blog schedule once my routine is a bit more established again.
Thank you for bearing with me! xo